I'm No Mathematician but...

In my early thirties, I developed these cool things called allergies. I had no idea what they were for about six months. I actually thought I was dying. I had brain fog, migraines; I just always felt ill. Then I realized my symptoms were related to air quality (thanks random iPhone alert) and I have since obtained a prescription for some sort of nasal spray which reminds me of a fantasy character name. Why so many vowels?

Hating the requirement to return to the pharmacy once a month, they seem to only work when I work, I convinced my doctor to allow me to get a three month supply with each refill. #Winning.

The last time I went to get my refill, I picked it up at the drive through, opened it, because that's the kind of person I am, and discovered they had only given me two sprays not three.

"I think this was only partially filled?" I told the woman.

Despite the semi-clean glass dividing us, I could see the pharmacy tech's face fall.

"What would you like me to do about it?" she asked.

"Umm, give me all of the refill?"

Her shoulders heaved. "That means you'll have to give it back."

Which, should have been a red flag, but I thought, I guess we can just pass these two nasal sprays back and forth for a few minutes. Why not? Pharmacy rules! Pharmacy make no sense, but I was powerless to say no if I wanted all three of my sprays.

"Okay?" I put the two sprays in the drawer.

"It will be at least twenty minutes."

I parked, went inside and eventually she called me back to the inside pick up window.

"We don't have enough to give you your full refill."

"Okay, well can I have those other two back?"

"No."

"No?"

"You can have them, but that's all you get. If you want all three, I'll give you one."

My brain was melting. "But you have two. Because you just gave me two. So you could give me two back, then you could call me when you get the other one in."

"No." Then louder and slower, she said, "If you take the two, that's all you get."

"But that makes no sense."

"WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO FILL YOUR PRESCRIPTION."

I was getting frustrated. "I get that you don't have three, but you physically have two. Because you just gave them to me. I understand there is some administrative thing happening here, but it makes no sense. You have two."

"THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TO FILL YOUR PRESCRIPTION."

I really looked at the lady, seeing she was not, in fact, a nice woman in her late fifties. She was the kind of woman you could mistake as a welcoming librarian, only to realize she was actually an early model cyborg whose brain operated solely on yes or no flow charts.

"So if you give me one, you will call me and give me two more later?"

She looked at me as if I were truly an imbecile. "Yes."

"But why did you guys call me to tell me my prescription was filled when it wasn't?"

That earned me a look like I'd not only slapped her, but also I'd ran over her foot, just to spite her. "How should I know?"

I thought about asking her what her actual job was, but decided that was counter productive.

"When will you get one more in, and then give me the other one back?"

"Monday."

Guess what?

Monday passed, and I did not get my allergy medication.

Is it possible to be allergic to the American health care system? If so, where to I get medication for that...