Saturday Night

Saturday Night

One Saturday night, my husband and I ended up at Lowe's. Not randomly; we had been trying to get there since the afternoon, but it wasn't until eight pm that we walked through the doors.

Unlike the daylight hours, the place was nearly empty, except for the tile aisle, where there were so many shoppers, I had to constantly adjust my cart to let everyone have access to the tiles of their choosing.

After we finished with the tile, my husband wanted to go look at the toilets.

We did need a new one, as we were renovating the upstairs bathroom. We got over there and my husband looked at me, unadulterated excitement in his eyes.

"Do you think they have the Toto Drake?"

"A what?"

"A Toto Drake. Everyone says they are the best toilet."

"I don't say that," I said.

"You don't count."

"Why am I not a part of everyone?"

"Do you talk about toilets on the internet?" He and I both knew that I did not. "So You don't count as everyone."

We walked down the toilet aisle.

"But I don't understand why they are the best?"

Instead of answering me, he asked, "What's your opinion on elongated versus round?"

"What's the difference?"

He looked at me like I had asked what color black was.

"One is oval. One is round."

"I get that," I said. "But why does it matter? Why make two shapes?"

"Well," he pointed at a round toilet and then at an elongated toilet. "There is more toilet with an elongated toilet, so you know..."

"I don't know."

"If you have more body you might want an elongated toilet."

"Are you calling me fat?"

"No. I'm just asking what you prefer."

"I don't have a preference. What do you like?"

He made a bit of a snuffling gesture, like it was obvious.


"Then get that since I don't care at all."

He walked the length of the aisle slowly, considering the options. At the end of the aisle he declared, "They do not have the Toto Drake."

"What about that one?"

I pointed to a poster that said, Virtually Clogless! Can flush a basket of golf balls. The poster's photo showed some disembodied hands dumping a basket of golfballs into the toilet.

"The Toto Drake will suck the skin off your ass if you flush it while sitting on it." He smiled in a totally unhinged way. "And that's why it's the best."

"Is that a desirable feature in a toilet? It seems like a safety hazard."

"This is why you don't count as everyone," he said, pushing the cart back into the main part of the store. "It's like you know nothing about toilets."